


this little piggy

by readerie



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Brotherly Love, F/M, Fluff, Found Families, Gen, Harley adopts a pig, Humor, Iron Bros, Irondad, MJ said animal rights!, POV: who the heck knows it's all over the place, Timeline What Timeline, absolute crack, based on an episode of Boy Meets World, no beta we die like women
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:08:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24024853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/readerie/pseuds/readerie
Summary: “Come here, boy!” Harley called, patting his thighs, and an actual, real life, honest-to-goodness pig trotted happily towards them, a little black collar around its neck, paying no mind to the crowds of high school students milling about. Harley knelt down on the disgusting linoleum floor to give the pig a treat. “What do you think?”Peter scratched the back of his neck, wondering if he was, in fact, awake, or if the fancy cheese he had eaten last night before bed was giving him really weird dreams.(Based on an episode of Boy Meets World!)
Relationships: Harley Keener & Peter Parker, Harley Keener & Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Harley Keener & Tony Stark, Michelle Jones & Harley Keener, Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	this little piggy

**Author's Note:**

> Based on S3E6 of Boy Meets World (the one where Shawn adopts a pig and names it Little Cory). This is shameless crack but also quite fluffy. (Can be seen as a sequel to [I lie to myself all the time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23846659) but you don't have to have read it to read this one.) Enjoy!

“Peter! Pete! Peter Peter Peter!”

Peter turned from his locker to see Harley racing down the hall. He skidded to a stop at Peter’s side and grabbed his arm, a wild grin splitting his face wide open. Peter looked at him expectantly. 

Harley pushed his glasses up his nose. “You know all those farm animals I had back home? Cows, goats….” Peter nodded. “Well...let’s just say I’ve found something that reminds me of good old Tennessee.”

Peter squinted, just slightly, and pursed his lips. Anything that reminded Harley of his dusty old hometown in the middle of nowhere filled with racist old people and massive amounts of chicken poop couldn’t be good.

“Come here, boy!” Harley called, patting his thighs, and an actual, real life, honest-to-goodness _pig_ trotted happily towards them, a little black collar around its neck, paying no mind to the crowds of high school students milling about. Harley knelt down on the disgusting linoleum floor to give the pig a treat. “What do you think?”

Peter scratched the back of his neck, wondering if he was, in fact, awake, or if the fancy cheese he had eaten last night before bed was giving him really weird dreams. 

Harley had moved to New York that summer so he could do his senior year at Midtown with Peter and attend science conferences and workshops with Tony. He said it was just to boost his college applications, but Peter knew he felt more at home in the bustling city, with his patchwork family, than he ever had back in Tennessee.

School had only been in session for two months, and Harley had already charmed every single teacher and student with his faint Tennessee accent and inexplicable knowledge of Romantic poets. Peter was entirely unsurprised that no one had called him out for bringing a pig onto school property. (If only they knew the little snot-nosed demon that lurked beneath the veneer of impeccable manners and fluttering eyelashes.) 

“Wow,” was all Peter managed in response. 

Harley just beamed up at him, scratching the pig behind the ears. “It’s a pig!” he exclaimed, and indeed, it was.

 _Ah, what the heck?_ Peter knelt down beside him. If this were a dream, the decades-old gum on the floor posed no threat. He stroked the pig on the back. “He’s cute!”

“Last night, I was exploring the city and I found this little guy in a dark alley! He was all alone, shivering in the cold, gnawing on a chicken bone. I couldn’t just leave him there!” 

Peter stood up. “I know what this is. I’ve been spending more time with MJ since we got together, and this is your way of letting me know that I can be replaced with some common swine. Does our brotherhood mean nothing to you?”

“Come on, Pete. The world does not revolve around you. This pig has _absolutely nothing_ to do with you.” The bell rang. “Well, come on, Little Peter! Gotta get to class,” he said, grabbing the pig and standing up.

Just then, MJ walked by, a stack of books under her arm, but stopped short upon seeing Little Peter (the pig, not the vertically-challenged teenage boy). She looked absolutely stunning in her black jeans and smudged eyeliner, and this further reinforced Peter’s dream theory: only a figment of his imagination could look that beautiful at 7:38 a.m. 

MJ was totally unfazed by the presence of a farm animal in the hallway of their high school. “Awe, he’s so cute!” she said, scratching the little space between the pig’s ears. “What’s his name?” she asked Harley.

“Little Peter.” 

She looked back and forth between Little Peter and Slightly Bigger Peter. “I can see it,” she said, nodding. Peter tried not to be too offended. “Where’d you get him?”

“I found him last night,” Harley said proudly. 

“Well, we’ll find a nice home for Little Peter, won’t we?” she said in the most ridiculous, high-pitched baby voice, leaning in so close that her nose almost touched Little Peter’s snout.

“He has one already. With me!”

MJ straightened up and scowled at Harley in the special way only she could manage. “No, I mean a farm. A _proper_ home, with space to run around," she said, ever the activist.

Harley was absolutely affronted. “He can run around with me!”

“Harley, you’ve never run a day in your life,” Peter interjected, and adjusted his backpack straps. Harley just rolled his eyes.

MJ furrowed her brow. “Come on, Harley. Do you really know how to raise a pig?”

Peter stepped between them. He knew all too well what could happen when Harley and MJ were allowed to interact too long unsupervised (and he had the scars to prove it). “Guys, guys, guys, it’s fine. I mean, any way you slice it, it’s only a pig, right?” 

Harley and MJ turned towards him, twin glares of both bemusement and murderous rage on their faces. Peter shuffled awkwardly back and forth and shoved his hands in his pockets. Little Peter snuffled Harley’s hand.

\------

Harley watched with amusement as Tony passionately kissed Little Peter. “Oh, Miss Potts, you wild woman!” he exclaimed, and Harley choked on a laugh.

Little Peter squealed, delighted. Tony shot up from the couch, his post-nap hair flying every which way, his cheeks flushed. He frantically wiped his tongue with the sleeve of his jacket. “Keener! I thought I said he couldn’t kiss me anymore!” 

Harley giggled. “FRIDAY, save that footage to my blackmail folder, won’t you?”

Tony raised his eyebrows as if to say, _Do you really want to do this?_ and poked Harley in the chest. “We had an agreement! I would let you keep the pig if _you_ were responsible for it! I do not want to have to take care of this pig!” He scrubbed a hand over his face and sighed. “You and Peter are enough as it is.” 

Harley nodded. Tony, placated for now, walked away, grumbling (probably to delete any evidence of his porcine make-out session from FRIDAY’s servers). His life was becoming more and more like an episode of _Black Mirror_ every day. 

Harley sat down on the couch to feed Little Peter from a bottle. He cooed, gently stroking the pig’s cheek. They’d known each other for less than twenty-four hours, and already, Harley was completely and utterly in love. He would kill and die without hesitation for Little Peter. (And that’s saying something, because he would definitely hesitate at least a little bit before killing or dying for Big Peter. He was a superhero, for heaven's sake.)

Big Peter walked through the door and threw his backpack to the ground. “Hey, Harls! How’s Little Pete doing?” 

After his initial trepidation, it didn’t take long for Peter to warm up to his namesake. Harley had finally managed to convince him he wasn’t dreaming between first and second periods by lovingly pinching him as hard as he could on the arm.

Little Peter belched. Gosh, even his burps were cute. “Pretty good. Hey, I think I’m gonna be able to meet up with you and MJ tonight for that big AP Chem study session at the diner.”

“What, are you gonna leave Little Peter with a sitter? Are you sure that’s a good idea?” 

Harley pulled something up on his phone. “Sure. It’s all here in this article I found: ‘What to Expect When You’re Raising a Pig’.” 

Peter grabbed the phone and scrolled through, skimming the information. “When to tell your pig about bacon,” he read, raising an eyebrow.

Harley gasped. “Peter! Little ears!”

Peter apologized profusely and gave the phone back. “Listen, about the study session tonight...MJ’s still kind of upset about you keeping a pig in an apartment.”

Harley really didn't want to do this right now. “Little Peter, could you let us talk in private for a moment?” The pig scurried away. “It’s not _just_ an apartment! Little Peter has the entirety of the tower to run around in!" He thought for a minute. "Well, maybe not Tony's labs or Nat's room full of very sharp knives, but still. Besides, it’s none of her business,” he added, petulant, and crossed his arms. 

Peter nodded emphatically. “I told her that! And I also told her you’d probably find it a good home in a couple of days. I mean, who keeps a pig as a pet?”

“I do! And you seemed fine with it until you talked to your girlfriend.” Harley elbowed him in the side.

“Hey, I’m not trying to take sides. I love the little sow! I’m his Uncle Peter, aren’t I?” 

Harley was a respectable farm boy, so of course, knew that a sow was an _adult female_ pig--quite literally the opposite of Little Peter--but he figured now wasn’t the time to be pedantic. He leaned against the back of the couch and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know why MJ has such a problem with this. I mean, no one else does, right?”

Tony stormed into the room. “I have a problem with your pig!” he said, stalking over to the couch. “He left me a little _gift_ on my pillow.” 

The boys stood up. Harley gulped and hid Little Peter behind his back. “Was...there a card?”

\------

Since Tony wasn’t exactly thrilled to be babysitting Little Peter after the pig had used his pillow as a toilet, Harley ended up taking his little friend with him to the study session. It turned out to have been the best decision he ever made. He spent the night surrounded by the denizens of the diner: his popular classmates, some kids who came in to buy ice cream sundaes, and even a couple of the diner’s waitresses. Everyone was absolutely enamoured with Little Peter. 

Everyone, that is, except for MJ. “Look, Harley. I’m not trying to be mean. I just don’t think it’s fair for him to be living indoors. He’s a farm animal.”

“Well, according to my new book, _Farm Animals Make Great Pets_ , farm animals make great pets!”

She leaned against the counter. “He deserves to be free, not imprisoned within the concrete walls of capitalism and human society. Right, Peter?”

Peter grimaced. “You know, MJ, you look...really beautiful tonight?” he tried.

Harley was growing angry. “Peter, can you tell MJ to back off?” 

“Uh...you look beautiful tonight, too? Wow, what a handsome man.” Peter’s shoulders crept up to his ears. He looked like he wanted to disappear. Harley kind of wanted him to disappear, too.

“Whose side are you on, Peter?” MJ asked. That little vein was popping out in her forehead, which usually meant that she was ready to kick someone in the nuts.

Peter must have really, really not felt like getting kicked in the nuts that night. “Uh, yours, I guess.” He was weak. So, so weak.

“Fine, then. Let’s get something to eat somewhere else. Somewhere they don’t allow people who believe in animal cruelty.” She shot one last glare over her shoulder at Harley as she strode out of the diner.

Peter gave Harley an apologetic glance before following. Harley’s heart sank. Little Peter continued obliviously snarfing up his mac and cheese.

\------

The next day after school, Peter stopped by the tower. Harley was bathing Little Peter in one of those big plastic containers, splashing water all over Tony’s very expensive marble countertop. As soon as Peter opened his mouth to apologize, Harley just waved him off. “You sided with your girlfriend. I’d have done the same thing.”

Peter sighed in relief. “It’s not just that, though...my best friend and my girlfriend aren’t speaking! It’s just not right.”

“Hey, it’s her problem. I’m just trying to live my life like any normal teenager.” Harley grabbed a sponge and started scrubbing Little Peter’s back. “Hey, could you pass the pig shampoo?”

Peter did. “Look, I invited MJ over. She's on her way.”

Harley abruptly stopped unscrewing the cap on the shampoo. “Why would you do that?”

“So she can see how much the pig means to you and see what a great home this is.”

“Dang right the pig means a lot to me. He’s all alone, man. No home, no family...nothing. I know what he’s going through. I’ve been there...passed from home to home, you know?” Peter knew Harley’d had a rough life as far as family goes, with a dad who abandoned him and an absent mother, so it wasn’t hard to see why he’d formed a kinship with the poor little pig so quickly. 

The elevator dinged, signaling MJ’s arrival. “Please just try to have a civil conversation with her. Do it for me?” Peter pleaded.

“Fine. But just know that I’m a little sensitive right now.” 

_Right now?_ Peter wanted to gripe, but kept his mouth shut. They walked over to the elevator doors to meet MJ. 

“So...Peter says you’re going to tell me why this place is such a good home for the pig,” she said in lieu of a greeting.

“MJ, I don’t think I have to prove anything to you,” Harley said, crossing his arms defensively.

Peter cut in. “Harley, if I may….” He took MJ’s elbow and guided her to the kitchen. “Harley is one heck of a parent. As a matter of fact, just before you got here, he was bathing Little Peter in that tub….Where is he?”

Harley ran over, looking more distressed than Peter had ever seen him. “He’s gone!” he said, looking despairingly at the tub of sudsy water. “I left him in there so long he turned into broth!” 

Peter really hoped Harley didn’t start crying, because then he'd start crying, too. “He probably just snuck onto the elevator when MJ got here,” he said placatingly. 

Harley was not placated. “MJ, you left the door open too long! This is all your fault!”

“Well, that’s the kind of thing that happens when a pig lives in the city!” She threw up her hands incredulously.

Harley took a deep breath and pressed the elevator button. “Alright, I guess I’m going to look for him.”

“I’ll stay by the phone in case he calls,” Peter said, and then collapsed on the couch, closing his eyes. This was really not how he was hoping this confrontation would go.

The elevator arrived, but instead of Harley walking in, Tony walked out, Little Peter under his arm. “Look who rode the elevator all the way to the ground floor and walked out the front doors, heading to the rib shack,” he explained. “It’s a good thing I spotted him on my way back from a meeting down the street.”

“Suicide,” Harley whispered disbelievingly, and took his beloved pig into his arms.

Tony pushed his way inside and took off his jacket. “This pig has been nothing but trouble.”

“Now I know I did the right thing.” The boys looked at MJ quizzically. “I called animal control and told them there was a pig in need of a good home.”

“MJ, you did _what_?”

“He _has_ a good home!” Harley cried, burying his face in the fine hair on Little Peter’s head. “Little Peter, let’s get you out of here. Big Peter, are you coming with us?”

Peter once again found himself saddled with the impossible choice of choosing between his almost-brother and his girlfriend. Why did these things keep happening? Was it too much to ask that all the people he loved love each other, too? “Look, MJ, you put me in the middle of all of this, and I just gotta say, as much as I love you, that wasn’t right." He tried not to let his voice waver; even after three months of dating, he was very much still scared of her. "You called animal control?! I can’t believe you’d do that!” He turned to follow Harley out the door and put an arm around his shoulders. “Come on, Harley. We got some serious pig-hiding to do.”

He spared one last glance at MJ. Her eyes were downcast, and she was wringing her hands together.

\------

Luckily, Aunt May was at work, and they were able to smuggle Little Peter into the Parkers’ apartment under Harley’s jacket. They sat with him on the living room floor, watching him devour an entire family-sized bag of Cheetos.

“Are you sure your place isn’t too obvious a hiding place?” Harley asked.

“Nah,” Peter reassured him. 

The buzzer went off. “Animal control,” a man’s voice announced over the intercom.

“I’m just a big fat stupidhead,” Peter said forlornly. 

They stashed Little Peter in Big Peter’s room before letting the guy in. “I’m from animal control. By law, I am required to show you my badge.” He opened his wallet and displayed it to Peter and Harley.

“That’s a Blockbuster rewards card,” Harley said.

The guy didn’t seem to care. He pushed his way in the apartment. “Alright, alright. Let’s save ourselves time and unpleasantries. Where’s the pig?”

“We don’t have a pig,” Peter said, schooling his expression into the picture of perfect innocence. “So, if you wouldn’t mind, Mr. Animal Control Guy, please vacate the premises, or I will be forced to call the animal-control control people to come dispose of you. Isn’t that right, my dear Harley?”

“It sure is, my little Peter.”

Upon hearing his name, Little Peter ran into the room, obedient as always. “Okay, who shaved the dog?” Harley asked hastily, shoving his hands into his pockets.

MJ, her timing as impeccable as always, burst through the door. “You can’t take this pig,” she said. Peter wasn’t exactly sure why she didn’t need to be buzzed in like everyone else, but he’d known MJ long enough not to question her methods. “After I spoke to you on the phone, I saw an ad in the paper for a lost pig, so I called its owners.” 

Tony walked in, looking as cool, calm, and collected as ever. “Here he is!” MJ announced.

“Hi. The name’s Stark. I have a place upstate, and this little guy ran off.” He pointed to the pig. “He belongs to my boy. Zzzzzz...arley. Yeah, Zarley.”

The animal control guy looked skeptical, but he handed over Little Peter. “If you say so. Give my best to Zarley,” he said, and walked out.

“Keener, I must really love you,” Tony said.

Harley beamed and leaned down to grab Tony's face and kiss him gratefully on both of his cheeks. “Thanks, man.” He turned to MJ. “I thought you said I couldn’t give Little Peter a good home. Why’d you change your mind?”

“Well, he’s not my pig. He’s yours. And you love him a lot.” She looked apologetic. “And I’ve known you for a long time now, and as much as it pains me to admit it, you’re not just my boyfriend’s friend. You’re my friend, too.”

Harley threw his arms around her in a crushing hug, and she reluctantly patted his back a couple times. "I always knew you had a heart somewhere underneath all that meanness!"

Peter knelt down on the floor and patted Little Peter on the head. “This is the best day of my life. You know...I think even the pig’s tearing up.”

“Enough of the mushy stuff,” Tony said. “How about we get something to eat? There’s a great sandwich shop down the road. I hear they make a mean ham on rye.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! I have a similar-ish fic coming soon (featuring lots of Peter and Harley antics plus a healthy dose of Irondad), so if you like this one, make sure you subscribe. I also have a Peter-centric fic called [the secret ingredient](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19934920) that is nothing but that sweet, sweet Irondad fluff we all know and love.
> 
> Love you all! <3
> 
> P.S. the amount of times I accidentally typed "Little Cory" while writing this...smh


End file.
